That Sinking Feeling
by NoxFox
Summary: Remus goes to look after Sirius at Grimmauld Place before the Order arrive but Sirius has other plans.


'You reckon the Order'll be happy to use this dump?' Sirius said, distaste surrounding each word. He glanced into the corridor, frowning at the severed house-elf heads hung on the wall. Then he proceeded to move over to a disgruntled-looking Buckbeak, gently patting his back and burying his hands in his glorious feathers.

'Of course Padfoot,' Remus knew just how much it must be hurting Sirius to have to return to this house of all places, as a man who was painfully aware what it was like to not have a real home himself. He patted Sirius' arm consolingly, until Buckbeak nudged his head under his arm, as a hint that he should perhaps be patting Buckbeak instead.

'Also, how do you think Harry's holding up? I can't wait to see him.' Sirius smiled fondly before resuming the empty look that had filled his face since the day he was sent into Azkaban.

'I'm sure he'll be alright. He's certainly like James. Headstrong and independent with a good heart. He just needs to be a bit less reckless. Though I'm confident I've said that to you far more times than I've said anything else in my entire life.' Remus met Sirius' eyes and they shared a look, which gave Remus that swooping sensation that he hadn't had in such an awfully long time. The only thing that prevented him from staring into that wondrous iris abyss forever was the jarring realisation that he was no longer a young man. He couldn't afford to be frivolous.

Sirius gestured with his head toward the door and the pair creaked, in more ways than one, their way down to the kitchen, where Sirius promptly started brewing some tea, having rinsed out a disturbing number of cobwebs and one cockroach from the kettle. Remus opened one of the cupboards, ignoring a boggart, which was squashed cosily in the corner, and picked the least questionable of the teacups before casting 'Scourigify' on them a few times. Just to be sure.

The house could quite easily have passed as many things: a hoarder's paradise, dust central or even a ghost house. All of these things had combined to put Sirius into an intoxicatingly surly mood. Remus had seen the anger in every character and punctuation mark in the letter that had been sent to him on the previous day, asking if Remus would keep him company to prevent him from murdering Kreacher. The request was disguised as a joke but it was a transparent one. However, Remus noted with some concern that Sirius had been comparatively happy today and for some reason he didn't think that it was because of his arrival. This meant one thing. Sirius had a plan.

Once the fire was crackling merrily away, they both sat down with a teacup firmly in their grasp. Remus stared pointedly at Sirius because he was now grinning at Remus in a comical manner. Sirius' smile faltered briefly before he decided to nervously plough his way into introducing his idea.

'So I was thinking-'

'I could tell.' Remus muttered.

'I was thinking that because the Order doesn't arrive here for another three days that I could perhaps breathe some air that's less muskier than whatever is trapped inside this…whatever you call it. By which, I mean that perhaps we could go on an outing. Perhaps even an overnight stay…' The words bubbled out of Sirius as if he had been brewing them for some time. In an extremely large pot. With too much washing up liquid in it.

'We! We! You a man who is wanted by the ministry! And me! A man who is perilously close to the full moon and already so anxious about facing Snape to brew a potion or hiding out somewhere that I've already had several heart attacks, an aneurysm and a stroke. Yes you know what?! I think all we need is a good holiday and that will sort out all of our problems! Hey! Why don't we bring Buckbeak with us. It won't look suspicious in the slightest!' Remus shrieked, a vein standing prominently out on his forehead.

'Do you see what I mean? It's paramount that we do or we'll both crack up. If I have to sit through Snivellous giving his _deathly_ important reports to the Order I'm going to need to feel a bit more relaxed. And if you're keeping an eye on that bastard Greyback, you're going to need to be focussed and in order to do that, you should have a couple of days of time out. I'm not suggesting it'll wind back the clock. It won't but the future is uncertain and I deserve to be able to walk around without the fear that the useless Ministry, who probably couldn't cope with the most basic administration jobs even with the entire populous of House Elves working for them, will come and recapture me and send me to Azkaban. Lest I, you know, might be somehow killing muggles on behalf of Voldemort without killing them!

'I can disguise myself as a dog unless we're 100% sure that no one can see me and you can change your hair colour and grow a beard. We could make Buckbeak invisible…' Sirius said with conviction.

'No! There's no way and Merlin forbid that we manage to hide a Hippogriff,' Remus drained his cup, before standing up, stretching his aching limbs and going towards the kitchen door. He lowered his voice, 'I'm sorry Sirius. I want to be able to get out as much as you do.'

Sirius' face turned grim once more as he gritted his teeth before growling, 'I forgot to say when you arrived, unless you're fond of whatever is hiding in this house, we'll have to share the same bed.'

Remus could feel his eyes opening a bit wider. He could vividly remember the last time that they shared a bed. Remus had spent innumerable nights sleeping outside on his own to be able to replay it in his mind. Especially as it had been the night before Voldemort's demise…He'd spent twelve guilt-ridden years thinking that he'd slept with Voldemort's puppet.

'Yeah of course that's fine. Just two good friends sharing a bed together. Makes sense.' He restrained his voice and forced his features into what he felt was a good poker face before turning and nodding at Sirius.

'I'll come up with you. There's a sink, which miraculously works, in there, so you can have a wash if you need one.'

The pair headed up a flight of stairs before Sirius turned and opened the nearest door. There was a double bed with some well-worn blankets on top. A chest of drawers stood next to the sink in the corner. Sirius gestured to the minimal furnishings grandly and gave a low bow to Remus before locking the door behind him and leaving the key in.

'Welcome to my humble abode. Help yourself to the complimentary cobwebs. Also, I've locked the door as I don't like the idea of Kreacher creeping around while I'm unconscious. The first night I was here, I awoke to him standing at the foot of the bed with a silver knife, muttering about how he wished that he could kill me.' Sirius shuddered, 'There's a couple of shirts in the drawer if you want one to sleep in.'

Remus raised a sardonic eyebrow at Sirius. He always only ever slept in his boxers, the habits of someone who couldn't afford a large wardrobe. Sirius knew this fact extremely well, replying with a smirk and a shrug. Approaching the bed, they undressed in silence. They carefully folded their clothes as if to fill the chasm of noise, which was more of a defeated silence than an uncomfortable one, and walked to the dresser at the same time to put their clothes onto. Even with the lack of light it was apparent that they were both underfed and incredibly pasty.

'Well goodnight then, Casper.' Remus said climbing into bed and pulling the blankets around himself.

'Yeah goodnight: you chlorophyllless beanpole.' Sirius mumbled.

Remus rolled over a few times, unable to find a comfortable position. He eventually decided to just remain uncomfortable on one side so that he didn't disturb Sirius, or pull any of the blankets off him. Not that Sirius sounded like he was asleep either. The night seemed to be stretching on and on.

'Ok, you can go.' Remus said a couple of hours later, when his arm felt like it had been completely crushed and his hip was aching from where he had jarred it at the last full moon. He was uncomfortably warm but his feet were freezing. He rubbed them together, briefly brushing Sirius' as he did so.

'You sure?' Sirius replied, 'I rely on you to be able to censor my crazy ideas, you know.'

'I know,' Remus turned to face Sirius meeting his eyes once more, 'But I think you're right we need it. And we need to discuss this,' He wafted his hand between the two of him.

'What? The tension?' Sirius' forehead crinkled in concentration.

'Mmmm.' Remus said blandly. He waited until he thought that Sirius was asleep before adding, 'I just want us to have a good shag without thinking about consequences. We need to get it over with.'

He almost rolled out of bed when Sirius, without opening his eyes, slid his hand across to his before holding it and squeezing it, while he muttered, 'I'm aware.'

* * *

Morning brought a glaring sunshine and the sound of water running in the sink. Remus opened one eye groggily, temporarily forgetting about his whispered confession in the night. He must only have had a couple of hours sleep, between his achy joints, Buckbeak rustling downstairs and what he was sure was a conversation between the portrait of Mrs Black and Kreacher. He could see Sirius getting handfuls of water and slowly washing his chest. Remus felt unwilling to move out of bed. He didn't so much mind prancing around with the cover of night but he hated people seeing his scars during the more visual hours of the day and, naturally, they only got more numerous as time went on.

Sirius was just shaving his face, and humming merrily, when he turned to Remus, 'You can't look any worse than me mate and, if we're going away, I thought it best that we get a move on. It's not like I haven't…you know.'

Slowly unfurling himself from the covers, he eased his toes onto the sunbathed floor, feeling his knees crack as he did so. He was reluctant to let go of the covers, as they crept down his torso. The sun making his scars shine like a million, newly-sharpened razors. He heard Sirius draw an intake of breath before quickly stifling it. Remus hastily pulled the covers back up to his chin, attempting to wrap them around himself.

'See I knew they looked dreadful,' Remus sighed.

'No, it's what makes you, you, mate. Look, I just wasn't expecting you to have gained so many but don't be paranoid about them. I don't exactly have the figure of an underwear model either. It was quite the shock when I broke out of Azkaban and finally got to see myself in a mirror, I was mortified. What had happened to the young, healthy-looking chap that I'd once been?' Sirius' voice cracked on the last sentence and that was all Remus needed to know that he was not the only one who'd spent too long trapped in his own mind. Sometimes he wondered how Sirius had survived Azkaban. He quickly climbed out of bed and began to wash himself, doing his best imitation of dad dancing until Sirius cracked a smile.

'I bet 'Werewolves of London' is your favourite song to dance to,' jested Sirius.

'Nah, it's Bad Moon Rising actually,' Remus replied straight faced. That was when they both started laughing hysterically until they were wheezing with tears running down their cheeks. Their commotion was so loud that they heard Buckbeak knocking against the bedroom door, until one of them opened it. Remus could have sworn the hippogriff tutted at them.

'Ok, ok. What colour hair do you think I would suit? At the minute it seems to be emulating a rather elderly forest critter.' Remus glanced at himself in the mirror and managed a glance at Sirius as he did so.

'Black of course, gramps. I reckon it'll look spiffing.'

'You're one to talk, you coffin dodger you!' Remus jokingly retaliated.

Two hours later, having given Buckbeak a large supply of mice, to see him through until the next day, a black haired man with a bushy beard, left number 12 Grimmauld Place with a grizzly looking dog and walked to the nearest train station. His destination was a small campsite on the coast with log cabins and plenty of trees surrounding each one.

* * *

'Yea', we got pet-friendly cabins. Jus' you an' your dog then then? Or you got company outside?' Tim Thompkins craned his jowly neck past Remus.

'No just me. Are there any secluded ones. I was hoping for a quiet weekend.' Remus coughed awkwardly.

'I see…arr then you'll wan' Wolf Cabin,' Remus gently prodded Sirius who had let out a literal bark of laughter much to Tim Thompkins surprise, who until that moment had been confident that dogs couldn't laugh but now wasn't so sure. 'Or I suppose you could have Ladybird…'

'Wolf will do just fine thanks.' Remus said.

'Ok what name will that be? An' the charge'll be £35.'

Remus rummaged in his pocket for the wad of muggle cash that Sirius had kept for emergencies when he'd been on the run and pulled out the required money, 'Ryan Smith.'

Having been cornered into buying a pint of milk from the elderly campsite owner before getting his key, Remus walked purposefully along the gravel path towards where Tim had said Wolf Cabin was located. Sirius bounded ahead joyfully and kept running circles around Remus. The only negative point about having a well hidden cabin was that there was no view of the coast, though according to the leaflet Remus had picked up, there were enough amenities in each cabin to keep visitors entertained, without ever having to exit the front door of their cabin.

A building, which would pass splendidly as a miniature version of a Swiss farm house, sprang forth out of the trees after they had been walking for several minutes with the word 'Wolf' proudly ingrained into the door. It was a two storey affair with a veranda along the front. A hanging basket filled with pansies swung from a hook next to the door.

'Well this is nicer than I expected,' Remus said, having opened the door to reveal a cosy looking sitting room with a small kitchen/diner beyond it. A wooden set of stairs led up to a mezzanine level where there was an elegant four poster bed.

'Definitely. Shame you couldn't have asked for a twin room though,' Sirius sighed.

'Yes, that may have been one step too far. He probably would have given me a lecture on how dogs are wild animals and don't need a bed. Anyway I'd best shut the curtains, in case there are any prying eyes around. I know what these outdoorsy folk can be like.' Remus set away to the task, shutting the red gingham curtains.

'Ah wow look! They've got Boring Chess! Scribble! Moonloopy! And ClueDoo! The last three seem really exciting! Can we play Remus? Pleeeaase? I love muggle games.' Sirius whined.

'If you loved them enough,' Remus said returning downstairs, 'Then you'd know that it's Scrabble, Monopoly and Cluedo. I thought your NEWTs proved that you could read Padfoot.'

'Hey it's not my fault that I don't know muggle customs! Please tell me Monopoly is the one where I have my army and I get to take over the world.'

'Well if your army is an iron and your world is a very select part of London then perhaps but I belieb you're thinking of Risk.' Remus said picking up the guestbook and having a flick through the comments. He tensed as he felt Sirius breathing over his shoulder.

'Nothing interesting then?' Sirius said. 'I bet the most interesting thing that happens here is when Tim comes around with the fresh milk on a morning. Saying that…did we actually bring any food Moony?'

'Ah. About that. I forgot but we _did _have a big breakfast and Tim has a small shop next to the welcome cabin. I'd best go and get some food now before it gets dark. Wait here. I won't be long.' Remus smiled at Sirius.

Returning a short while later, with a selection of sandwiches, biscuits and crisps, Remus walked in to find Sirius with the Monopoly board out on the coffee table between the two badly scratched sofas. He was carefully inspecting each piece with a bemused look on his face. It was apparent that he'd turned the fire on as, despite the fresh sea breeze outside, the log cabin felt comfortably warm.

Remus walked past Sirius to the kitchen. If it could be called a kitchen. There were three benches, one with a sink, one with a hob and the other was bare apart from a whistling kettle. In the remaining floor space, there was a miniature table and chairs. He placed his purchases on the bench and wondered why Sirius was so quiet.

Then-

'But why the iron?! I understand the other pieces.'

'I have no clue Sirius but I will take it as my cue to play,' Remus conceded.

'Ok. But only if I get to have the car,' Sirius said obstinately.

'I'll take the dog, don't want to take too much irony away from my life. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if it went smoothly.'

Sitting himself down on the sofa, Remus rolled the dice, beginning the game. A short while later, or it could have been a couple of hours, time ceased to be when you played Monopoly, Padfoot and Moony had consumed most of the biscuits and their two sandwiches. Remus had finally built up the courage to confront Sirius about the night before.

'So I was wondering if you happened to recall what I said last night-'

He was interrupted by a sharp rap at the door. The pair froze and looked at each other nervously. It must be after dark. What happened if there was a Death Eater on the other side of the door? Surely Tim had gone to bed? Sirius reached out a hand to turn off the table lamp. They both stood up and stealthily ascended the staircase, grabbing their wands from Remus' coat as they did so. Once they'd reached the top, they slithered under the bed. And waited.

A blast, strong enough to blow the door off its hinges but completely noiseless, shook the wooden floorboards which they were lying on. Following that, a cloaked figure stepped into the cabin. The light of the fire was just enough to illuminate their tall slender figure, before a series of clicks were heard and all of the lamps switched on.

'You think you'd be more welcoming to a visit from your old Headmaster,' Dumbledore said, proceeding to sit on the sofa serenely.

Sirius and Remus slid out from under the bed, dusted themselves off and descended the staircase. They both looked suitably abashed.

'I hope I didn't interrupt you-'Dumbledore cut himself short but his eyes shone mischievously between the two men.

'No Merlin! Of course not!' Sirius all but shouted.

'We're just good friends!' Remus added, Sirius nodding his head next to him.

'Regardless,' Dumbledore swept his arm to one side. 'This doesn't appear to look like Grimmauld Place. It also doesn't appear to be a property protected by a certain Fidelus charm, to keep out followers of Voldemort. Could you explain what you are both doing here?'

'Well…' Remus began.

'It's my fault. I wanted to get out of that miserable dump, so I convinced Remus to come with me before he has to fraternise with the other furry folk. I thought we both needed the break. I'm sorry. It was against my word.' Sirius said.

'If I'd had to count the number of times that you've broken the rules, Mr Black, I'm afraid that I might perish before reaching the end. So forgive me if I hadn't already suspected that you would, and set up the appropriate precautions.'

'We'll return straight away,' Remus frowned. Sirius looked close to tears.

'I can, however, offer you an alternative overnight stay at Hogwarts. You can even have your old dormitory in Gryffindor tower if you so desire.' Dumbledore proffered a smile.

'Thank you! That's marvellous!' Sirius beamed. Remus, seeing the look of complete ecstasy on his friends face followed suit. He could understand why his friend would not want to feel imprisoned in Grimmauld Place, after Azkaban. He deserved freedom. Dumbledore made eye contact with Remus and nodded knowingly.

'Oh also. Tim has no recollection that anyone named Ryan Smith checked in, so you needn't worry about that,' Dumbledore said, gesturing for the two men to come outside with him, 'I'll apparate the three of us just outside the front gates. Hold on tight!'

* * *

'Well this is cosy.' Sirius said, sitting down whilst stifling a yawn.

'Strange without the others though. Not that I want to get too nostalgic. Goodness Dumbledore kept us so long at dinner in the kitchens that I thought I'd fall asleep somewhere around the time that he forced us to have fifths!' Remus yawned.

The room was surprisingly warm, having had the fire in the room lit, presumably by one of the House-Elves when they were at dinner. Sirius and Remus had rejected the offer of staying in the dormitory, instead opting for Lupin's old teaching quarters, which were significantly more comfortable and tarnished with much less painful memories, even though they both found it strange to just be the two of them.

'Ok. I'm just going to out with this because every time I've wanted to discuss it, I haven't or I've been interrupted. What do we do about us?' Remus asked.

Sirius took a while to ponder the question before answering, 'I'm not too sure Moony. We can't exactly pick up where we left off. And as admirable as I think your suggestion last night of a hearty shag is, would that be wrong? I don't know.'

'I actually like someone but I think she's too young for me and even if she weren't, I can't imagine that she has any interest in me whatsoever. I just think the idea of shagging you is more of a compulsion. I don't think it's feelings for you.' Remus garbled.

'Aaaannnd that's why you think it's wrong. I did wonder. I actually quite fancied the shag. It's been fourteen years and, though I feel my performance will not be the best, I did hope. But of course not to worry. Guess I'll get ready for bed.' Within moments Sirius was lying in bed, poker straight, his eyes firmly shut.

'Look, I'm sorry if you're hurt to hear that but I can't deny my feelings and it's best that you know the truth.' Remus said quietly.

Sirius sat up in bed. 'The truth! Do you really want to hear the truth Moony? That it's ok to deny the feelings for your best mate because well, you were both young! Too young for it to be love or something that resembles love anyway because I honestly don't think that it can exist in a non painful form. That you have spent the past twenty four hours, looking at me like I'm your favourite pastry. Ready to devour me and yet no it would be so wrong. Is it 'cos it's gay Moony and you'd like to imagine yourself as hetero? Because we crossed that bridge quite some time ago. Two mates just shagging. Not gay at all. So yes. Yes I am hurt, not that you like whatshername but because you have to openly lie about your feelings in order to detract that we are probably on equal pegging in terms of vying for your affections. And isn't it SO much easier to act like you're straight? Society likes it. You get to have children and you won't be discriminated against. All good then. Glad that's sorted. Good night.' Sirius rose from the bed and strode purposefully to the door before slamming it on the way out.

Remus began to cry. It took him a long time to pull himself round and build enough courage to go and find Sirius. He assumed he would have relocated to the common room. Before leaving the room, he quickly splashed some water on his face and wrapped a blanket around himself. The castle was incredibly cold at night.

The only sound that could be heard as he trod his way along the stone floor were his feet and the odd sound of the wind howling outside the castle. So much for Summer. He had to wait on three staircases, which seemed to have no intention whatsoever of turning around in the middle of the night and hastily hide from a cackling Peeves before he reached the familiar sight of the Fat Lady.

'Your friend was so kind as to wake me up, I thought I might just stay awake for you too, to save me the bother! Password?'

'Gingersnaps.' Remus said fondly, 'I do like a good gingersnap.'

The Fat Lady opened with a harrumph revealing Sirius sitting in a sofa by the fireplace. Remus walked slowly over to him and sat on his other side. Sirius didn't look up but it sounded from the frequent amount of swallowing that he was doing that he was trying his best not to cry.

'If it helps. I already had a good bubble before I came to look for you,' Remus said.

His statement was met with silence. The silence lasted for some minutes as the pair stared at the fireplace, both left to their own whirring thoughts.

'I'm sorry for being spiteful. I am jealous. I just want things to be how they were, you know and they're not. So there's not really anything I can do. And there's not anything you can do either. Thank you for coming this weekend though. You've always been there for me. Apart from you know that minor period where you thought I was a mass murderer who betrayed your friends.' Sirius whispered.

'I'm sorry too. I was lying. I do like you but you're right; things just aren't going to be the same as they were before. It's impossible and we can't be reckless because we have to be responsible if we ever actually want to defeat Volemort.' Remus uttered.

'I know.'

'But,' Sirius snapped his head over to Remus as soon as he began to speak, 'I wouldn't be opposed to perhaps in the near future, when we're not so tired and stressed out…to a good rogering. One last time.' Remus smiled at Sirius who promptly grabbed him around the waist and pulled him along the sofa before kissing him with fourteen years' worth of pent up passion.

'There's always now.' Sirius suggested hastily, now aware of the prominent blaze in his pants.

'Yes, I think now. Now would be a good time.' Remus said slowly before leaning into Sirius and reciprocating with his own store of longing which had been reserved for just as long, like a vintage label wine.

Dumbledore, who was a man infamous for his timings, chose that moment for both his entrance and exit from the Gryffindor common room, as he came down from the dormitory stairs, trying to disguise the smile, which was slowly creeping up his face. Remus and Sirius leapt apart from each other in horror faster than a caffeinated House-Elf having money thrust towards it.

'Don't mind me boys. I was just doing the inventory of the dormitories. I wouldn't want to be the one interrupting your _good friendship_.' Dumbledore winked before making a surprisingly swift retreat through the door of the portrait.

'Ok maybe now is a better time,' Sirius' laugh was cut short as Remus seized his lips with his own.

'Do you think maybe Dumbledore is…' Remus said after a short pause.

'He owns a plum suit for Merlin's sake. He fell out with a _good friend _of his too, in quite an epic clash. Of course he bloody is!'Sirius laughed, tackling Remus and pushing him onto the sofa.

Time doesn't always heal, it certainly can't be rewound and that sinking feeling will always return when it's least expected but as the two Marauders sat laughing: their problems didn't seem so apparent, the future not quite as ominous and the past not nearly as painful as it had been. They could get through the next few years, as previous lovers, current best friends and perhaps even as future


End file.
